"It's just not natural"

People have a plethora of creative reasons to oppose gay marriage, but my all-time favorite, is the "unnatural" argument. Because, Lord knows, Umerica is all about keeping things natural. 

It’s unnatural, I swear, a man and a man
It’s unnatural, I swear, now hand me that can
Of phosphoric acid, caffeine and extract
I’ll take a fat swig and then get right back.

To ranting and raving, their ways are not good
Completely unnatural, I don’t understand how they could.
But give me a sec, I’ve got to turn my sprinklers on
For without a drink, this desert lawn would be gone.

I wish that they would let the natural world be
Rather than running around, begging to marry.
A man and a wife--it's simply what's best.
Speaking of wife, have you seen my lady's new chest?

We just fixed it up--silicon it is named
But, back to the problem--it's the gays we should blame.
For they are the ones who convolute my pure life
And cause worry to fall upon my (now) well-endowed wife. 

Unnatural, I say, to up and let them marry.
So unnatural, in fact, I find it quite scary.
It’s time that we say enough is enough
God, I’m getting hungry, hand me those cheese puffs!

Yellow number six, riboflavin, enriched corn meal
Are the only yummy things that do help me deal.
I find myself constantly searching for a solution
To get out is what I need, breathe in the air pollution.

I hop in my dually, pull out of my paved drive
To keep marriage natural is for what I strive.
Around and around I go in my truck
Breathing in the emissions and thinking, Ew, Yuck!

How gross it is to ponder, a girl and girl
I slam on the gas, send the rubber tires into a whirl.
The windows down, air blows under my toupee
But, thank God, I think, that I am not gay.