Poems with a Punch

Scared of the Queen

Scared of a beret and a black panther jacket
Turn a positive message into divisive racket
White wash history and clean up murder
So she took to the stage and made sure you heard her

Interrupted your game with some female brain power
Sent an earthquake to tear down that pretty white tower
Lifted up your veil, walked you into the light
But to stay in the dark, you kick and you fight

Stop killing us, what a thing to demand
You wish you fed her, so she wouldn’t bite the hand
But she feeds herself and a whole slew of others
Of girls and women, sisters and brothers

Wholesome fun you demand--beer, wings and ass
Uninterrupted misogynistic violence, not this filth and that trash
Let’s not think or dream or dare tell our stories
Not question the flow, not cause any worry

Too strong, too loud and most certainly too black
Too in-your-face, too can’t-take-it-back
Too keen on the truth, too quick to dream
You claim to be kings but you’re scared of The Queen

White Privilege

Jon Stewart recently had quite the spirited debate with Bill O'Reilly on the topic of white privilege. (Spoiler Alert: Bill doesn't think it exists because "it's not 1950 anymore.") Regardless of your political affiliation, you have to admit that white people have it, oh, just a wee bit easier than minorities in this country. So, rather than throwing my remote through the television screen, I decided to have some fun with this heated topic:

“White privilege” you say? “White privilege” you insist?
But I’m white and not rich, so it doesn’t exist.
I myself bear a burden, a very heavy one
I can’t afford to finish our remodel, my steam shower isn’t even done.

I’m not the bad guy because I’m white and I’m stable
Move to the suburbs, you’re perfectly able.
Sure, I borrowed twice from my dad, Richie Rich
I advise you do the same when you’re in a pinch.

Racism is over—get it through you gourd.
So what if I get nervous when a black man approaches my Ford?
That says nothing about what goes on in my head.
I’ve got two black friends, which proves racism is dead.

All you’ve got to do is work hard and go to school
You’ve got no other barriers, you liberal fool.
Have your folks pay your loans while you go to class
Just get up and get moving--get off your lazy ass.

White privilege is silly—a thing of the past
Slavery was years ago—its effects didn’t last.
Sure, the Voters Rights Act has seen the end of its days
But we can trust the Southern states now—they were just going through a phase.

ID requirements and restrictions on early voting?
It’s not our job to hold your hand and be doting.
Get to the DMV, walk if you have to
But don’t wear a hoodie—whatever you do.

We white folk are scared by a dark man in a dark clothes
For your intentions and purpose, only God knows.
How do we know if you’re holding a phone or a gun?
And why, when we chase you, do you begin to run?

I can’t figure out why you’re always in jail
Can’t your parents afford to pay for your bail?
Of course I do wrong, but I rarely pay the price
Life’s about luck-of-the-draw and roll-of-the-dice.

Sure, I snort cocaine and never get caught
But it’s not my fault you’re in prison for pot.
Just be likeable—shoot the cops a quick smile
An “I’m sorry, Officer” has always gotten me miles.

I rarely get pulled over, but whenever I do
I always comply, so why can’t you?
Let them frisk you for no reason—don’t make a big scene
You’ll only look violent, scary and mean.

Take a cue from Obama—never be irate
And white people will always cooperate.
Just as our productive congressmen do
It’s only taken them six years to pass an act or two. 

"It's just not natural"

People have a plethora of creative reasons to oppose gay marriage, but my all-time favorite, is the "unnatural" argument. Because, Lord knows, Umerica is all about keeping things natural. 

It’s unnatural, I swear, a man and a man
It’s unnatural, I swear, now hand me that can
Of phosphoric acid, caffeine and extract
I’ll take a fat swig and then get right back.

To ranting and raving, their ways are not good
Completely unnatural, I don’t understand how they could.
But give me a sec, I’ve got to turn my sprinklers on
For without a drink, this desert lawn would be gone.

I wish that they would let the natural world be
Rather than running around, begging to marry.
A man and a wife--it's simply what's best.
Speaking of wife, have you seen my lady's new chest?

We just fixed it up--silicon it is named
But, back to the problem--it's the gays we should blame.
For they are the ones who convolute my pure life
And cause worry to fall upon my (now) well-endowed wife. 

Unnatural, I say, to up and let them marry.
So unnatural, in fact, I find it quite scary.
It’s time that we say enough is enough
God, I’m getting hungry, hand me those cheese puffs!

Yellow number six, riboflavin, enriched corn meal
Are the only yummy things that do help me deal.
I find myself constantly searching for a solution
To get out is what I need, breathe in the air pollution.

I hop in my dually, pull out of my paved drive
To keep marriage natural is for what I strive.
Around and around I go in my truck
Breathing in the emissions and thinking, Ew, Yuck!

How gross it is to ponder, a girl and girl
I slam on the gas, send the rubber tires into a whirl.
The windows down, air blows under my toupee
But, thank God, I think, that I am not gay. 

My Facebook Life

Recently, a coworker and I were talking about how insanely irritating it can be to peruse social media outlets. From jet-setting to Hawaii, to children with alarmingly perfect bone structure, to pregnant women who weigh no more than a-buck-twenty soaking wet, we often find ourselves comparing our eight-to-five, grocery-shopping, yoga-pant-wearing lives to the seemingly perfect (per social media) lives of our piers. I like to think that 90 percent of what goes on Facebook is deceitful in some way (perhaps because I'm a--gasp--jealous bitch):

Hawaii and Weddings and New Cars Alike
And, oh, did we mention we just took a hike?
Through the Grand Canyon and then through Nepal
And then jet-set China to see the Great Wall.

We had an awful time and bickered and fought
But, here, let me post pics of the souvenirs we bought.
Which we put on our credit card, because we can't afford this trip
But you wouldn’t know that from our video clip.

And if you’ve not noticed from my status update
We just bought a mansion--in case you weren’t already irate.
We’ve lost all our money. We’re bankrupt and broke.
But we stay laughing in photos, as if we’re in on a joke.

I’ve noticed you’ve not commented on my newest post
You know, the one where I brag, showboat and boast.
And did you happen to notice my husband, so great?
From the pics you can hardly tell that he’s always working late.

In real life, he’s cheating, but on Facebook he’s not
Check out his smile in these photos—doesn’t that say a lot?
And our kids look quite innocent with their smiles so meek
You’d never be able to tell that we hardly ever speak.

So, thank God for Facebook and my social media life
Because only on-screen is it so free of strife.
The picture I paint is false, but who cares?
As long as I get plenty of comments, likes and shares. 

Baby, it's cold outside. Duh.

With the recent "Polar vortex" (thanks, Al Roker) phenomenon that's hitting the East Coast, climate-change naysayers everywhere are popping out of the woodwork to deny global warming. This is how I feel about their uber-sceintific line of reasoning:

Global warming is over because it’s cold outside.
By their tree-hugging theories, I will not abide.
You’ve no good reason to be scared half to death.
How do I know? Well, duh, I can see my breath!

My leg isn’t broken just because a Doctor said so.
They’ve numbed it all up and now it’s good to go.
I can’t feel it at the moment, so their advice must be moot.
These doctors and their theories. Oh what a hoot!

I got pulled over for speeding, but how can that be?
For as I sit here waiting for the ticket, my speedometer is below three.
Was I going twenty over? No way, never, nope!
We’re sitting here not moving, you ridiculous dope.

Cigarettes are bad? I think they are lying.
For without one I feel like I must be dying.
Yet when I take a puff, I’m as happy as can be.
So how then, I pose, can they possibly be bad for me?

My sister’s so silly. She swears she’s five feet.
But she’s wearing heels tonight that make her easily six three.
How can she be short, when she’s tall as of late?
Her math must be off. Poor thing can’t calculate.

So again let me tell you how I know this to be true.
Global warming’s a hoax. Scientists haven’t a clue.
For it’s chilly today and the mountains look white.
It’s simple logic you morons. You’re wrong and I’m right.

An Election Day Rhyme

The election is over and thank God for that
For it’s turned all my friends into Barry Bonds up at bat.
Hopped up on steroids, their heads full of air
Thinking their opinions are vital—“must share!”

Christians who want our President to die
“I’m Pro-Life” they say, “but who wants to off this guy?”
Adults plaster Facebook with their rants and their raves
As they lecture their kids on how to behave.

Respect and America and Sweet Apple Pie
But Lord it’d be nice if our President would die.
It’s one man, they promise, who’ll seal our demise
So no need to leave the couch or wander from those fries.

For Facebook’s the way we make our impact
And while we’re at it, why not throw out the tact?
Complain and commiserate with digital friends
For there’s nothing more informative than good ol’ Twitter trends.

And though I am partial, I have to admit
Even democrats got in on the bit.
For everyone’s an expert in this digital domain
And the grammatical errors bring me physical pain.

If you’re going to share, at least dot your i’s
For the wrong “yours” and “theirs” make you look not-so-wise.
But that is the problem with our posts and our feeds
We spew at the mouth to fulfill our own needs.

“Listen to me, for I know what’s best!”
Facebook’s a gauge, our popularity it tests.
It’s like high school all over for those who didn't get enough
Where the ignorant are smart and the weak, oh-so-tough!

So now that it’s over, I do have to say
I’m going to lose many-a-friend on this election day.
For I’ve filtered and scoured and deleted a bunch
Simply to help me keep down my lunch.

This poem’s been quite cheesy, I will give you that
It deserves not a like nor a tip of the hat.
It’s simply my way of attempting to laugh off
What I can’t help but notice is a plethora of Jack Hoffs.